Not the perfect script. Just better options.
You don't have to memorise anything. Just having a few phrases handy that sound less like a judgment is enough.
What should the conversation with the coach be about?
Making space for feedback
Your teenager can ask about their role, a specific observation from training, and a date for their next review. Decide together whether they speak to the coach on their own or with you there. No bargaining for court time in the next match.
- What role do you see for me?
- What specifically should I try out in training?
- When can we talk about this again?
Things to clarify before the conversation
Instead of – better
"So, how was it?"
"Good to see you."
"Hungry? I've brought something."
"Talk or music?"
The question sounds innocent enough, but it demands an immediate verdict on their performance – right when your child might not be ready to talk about it at all.
"Why did you make that mistake?"
"Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather have some peace and quiet?"
"What was tough today?"
"What would you do differently next time?"
'Why' demands a justification. Open questions invite reflection, not defence.
"You can do better than that."
"What was tough today?"
"What was the reason, from your perspective?"
"What worked despite everything?"
That sentence is meant as a show of trust, but it comes across as a disappointment: Today you weren't good enough.
"The coach probably didn't mean it like that."
"I can see that affected you."
"Which of those is true for you – and which isn't?"
"The way he said it wasn't okay."
Relativising takes away the child's feeling. First recognition, then classification.
"Just relax."
“Excitement means it's important to you.”
"What's your main job on the court today?"
"What helps you right now – quiet or a distraction?"
The demand to relax creates additional pressure to 'be relaxed'.
"Come on, say something."
"You don't have to talk. I'm still here."
"Let me know if you want to chat – even later."
Demanding a conversation can lead to greater withdrawal. An open offer leaves the choice with your child.
"You're better than half of them."
“That's frustrating, I'd be annoyed by that too.”
"What do you think the coach is looking at right now?"
"Do you want to ask him yourself what you need?"
Praise through comparison confirms the pecking order as a benchmark and makes the situation even more bitter.
"It's just a game."
“That's a tough one.”
"You lost – but you still fought hard."
"Do you want to be alone or should I stay?"
Brushing off their feelings signals: you're overreacting. Acknowledging them creates space for the emotion without trying to explain it away.
"See, you can do it – why can't you always do that?"
"What are you most proud of yourself for?"
"That play in the second half was brilliant."
“You earned that.”
Conditional praise turns a good day into a new benchmark.
"After all we've invested?"
"Tell me, what's the worst part about it right now?"
"Shall we take a break first and then decide?"
"I like you just as much without handball."
Investment arguments create guilt. Guilt leads to silence, not motivation.
"Have a look at how Lena does it."
"What can you do today that you couldn't do last year?"
"What would make a good day for you?"
External role models set standards outside of the child. Progress against oneself is more stable.
"Don't be so dramatic."
"You seem tired – and that's not a criticism."
"What's costing you the most this week?"
"What would need to be removed for it to be manageable?"
Belittling leads to stress signals being withheld next time.
"We drive you 200 kilometres every week."
"You don't owe us a performance for driving you here."
"If it gets too much, we'll change something."
Making effort visible creates a pressure for gratitude – and that turns into performance pressure.
Short Guides
The journey home
Immediately after the game, 15 minutes in the car
- 1. Arrive"Good to see you." – No sports talk in the first few minutes.
- 2. Provide supportDrink, eat. Body first.
- 3. Offer a choice"Talk, music, or quiet?" – and respect the answer.
- 4. ConsequencesIf your child talks about it: listen, ask questions, don't judge.
- 5. Keep open"If you want to talk later, I'll be here."
The chat the next day
24 hours later, if your child wants to
- 1. Invite"Do you want to quickly talk about yesterday or is it dealt with?"
- 2. Good"What worked?"
- 3. Hard"What was tough?"
- 4. Takeaway"What are you taking into your next training session?"
- 5. CloseFinish the topic and do something else.
Conversation with the coaching staff
When feedback, workload adjustments or safeguarding need addressing
- 1. ClarifyWhat does your child want to ask themselves, and what support do they need? When it comes to safeguarding issues, adults take responsibility.
- 2. AppointmentNever immediately after the game, never in the sports hall in front of others.
- 3. ObservationDescribe concretely what you observe – without blame.
- 4. Question"'How do you see this?' instead of 'Why are you doing that?'"
- 5. AgreementAgree on a next step that everyone knows.
When you need to bring something up
Worries about mood, eating, or withdrawing
- 1. TimeCalmly, side-by-side, not after an argument.
- 2. Observation"I've noticed that lately you've been…"
- 3. No judgement"I don't know what's going on, and I'm not going to judge it."
- 4. Question"'How do you feel about that?' – then hold still and be quiet."
- 5. Offer"We can get support. You don't have to solve this alone."
Recommended reading
These classifications are possibilities, not diagnoses. You know your child better than any text. If you are unsure, a professional assessment is always better than waiting.