A missed shot plays on your child’s mind. You also saw good moments and want to offer comfort. Before listing them, check: does your child actually want to talk about the match right now? There’s no need for a compulsory debrief, nor a ban on talking straight away.
Initial contact
- “Good to see you. Do you want to chat, put some music on, or just have some quiet?”
- "That ball is really playing on your mind. Would you like me to listen, or do you want my take?"
- “Today was tough. Your worth doesn’t depend on this match.”
When your child puts themselves down
Stick to the specific event: "The 7-metre throw missed" is very different from "I'm rubbish". You don't have to pretend the mistake didn't happen. Later, if your child wants to, ask what they'd like to try differently in the next session. That's a small task, not an obligation to do extra training.
Out of the game
“We lost because of me.” – “I can understand that last shot is on your mind. A match is made up of lots of plays from both teams. You aren’t solely responsible for the result. Do you want a hug right now, or some space?”
When your own advice misses the mark
Unsolicited advice can be put right: “That was a tip you didn’t ask for. I’m sorry.” Avoid following up with a long explanation of your good intentions. Before the next match, ask what your child would like on the journey home.
- “It’s only a game” can dismiss very real feelings.
- “Next time you just need to…” instantly turns comfort into a new task.
- "The others made more mistakes" comforts at the expense of teammates.
If self-criticism persists, spreads to other areas of life, or your child begins punishing themselves for mistakes, seek professional support. You don't need to wait for a certain number of poor games.
Remember this
Connect first, then offer a chat if they're up for it – and only try another sports attempt if they actually want to.