My child is devastated after making mistakes
One missed shot – and the whole evening is ruined.
Your first step
When they say “I'm so rubbish”, reply with: “That ball is playing on your mind. One missed shot doesn’t define who you are. Would you like some company, or would you rather have some space for now?”
It is completely natural for you to feel unsure too
It hurts when your child beats themselves up over a missed shot. The urge to contradict them is completely natural. But saying "You played well, though" can gloss over how much it actually hurts right now. You don't have to sugarcoat the mistake or instantly turn it into a life lesson.
What could be going on right now?
Multiple possibilities – not one truth. None of this is a diagnosis.
- The mistake isn't seen as an action, but as a statement about one's self: "I shot badly" becomes "I am bad."
- How others react can mean a lot to your child. Ask which piece of feedback is playing on their mind the most right now.
- Your child might worry that one mistake puts their place in the team at risk. That's a very common worry, but it's not the case for every player.
- Straight after a match, it can be hard to put a single moment into perspective. Talking about it later might be better, if your child wants to.
- Sometimes it also reflects a very high personal standard – a demand for perfection, not a lack of self-confidence.
From a single ball to the next attempt
- 1
Right now: stay with the situation in front of you
Acknowledge the frustration without offering a full post-match analysis. Don't ask why they missed a shot. If they want to talk, listen first: do they want comfort, or a practical suggestion?
- 2
Later: focus on action rather than self-judgement
Help your child narrow the statement down to a single moment: "I took the shot too early on the fast break." Ask: "What could you try out in training around that?" One focus is plenty; it's not about extra punishment drills.
- 3
In the longer term: don't just focus on missed shots
If your child wants to, let them pick out their own examples of good decision-making, tracking back, or supporting the team. You don't need to provide a daily scorecard. Even on bad days, your interest in their life outside handball never changes.
What's more likely to be unhelpful
- "Why did you make that mistake?"
- "It wasn't that big a deal." – sounds like: Your feelings are wrong.
- Immediate video analysis or replaying the game in the car.
- Comparisons: 'You should've just shot like Lena with that pass.'
What you can say
"I can see that's really getting to you."
"Do you want to talk about it, or would you rather have some peace and quiet first?"
"What was tough today?"
"Mistakes are part of the game. They don't say anything about who you are."
An example from everyday handball
A missed 7-metre throw turns into: “We lost because of me.”
"That shot mattered to you, I get that. But a match is made up of so many actions from both teams. I don't want you measuring your self-worth by this one moment."
What your child can take ownership of themselves
The next attempt belongs to your child. They can try out a short reset word in training and decide whether it works for them. Parents don't need to pick the word or quiz them on it after every match.
Working alongside the coaching staff and club
If your child avoids taking responsibility after making mistakes, they can ask: "What should my next job be after losing the ball?" If they face personal belittling from adults, they need proper support, not just more tolerance for mistakes.
Preparing for a chat with the coachYour next step – take your time to assess
- Self-deprecating sentences for days: "I'm useless," "I can't do anything at all"
- Withdrawal after every game, even good ones
- Your child avoids situations where mistakes are visible (shooting, 7-metre throw, taking responsibility).
- If self-depreciation persists and spreads to school and friendships
- If your child punishes themselves for mistakes (e.g., excessive extra training, food restriction)
Fittingly
After the game: After a mistakeThat one ball that just didn't go inSimilar situations
Recommended reading
These classifications are possibilities, not diagnoses. You know your child better than any text. If you are unsure, a professional assessment is always better than waiting.