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Situation

My child doesn't want to talk

Headphones on, door closed, "all good."

Your first step

Offer company without any pressure to talk: "I'm in the kitchen if you fancy hanging out." Leave the follow-up question out instead of tagging inquiries straight onto the offer.

It is completely natural for you to feel unsure too

Silence leaves plenty of room for worry: Did something happen? Do I not matter anymore? Not every closed door means a crisis. At the same time, you don't have to ignore clear changes just to respect their privacy.

What could be going on right now?

Multiple possibilities – not one truth. None of this is a diagnosis.

  • Maybe your child just needs some quiet time, or wants to process things on their own first. Silence can mean many things – not just pushback or feeling overwhelmed.
  • Autonomy is becoming more important. Not talking is one way to own something yourself.
  • Your child may have experienced that talking leads to being judged.
  • Your child might simply find it hard to put what happened into words right now. Let them know a quick text or a chat later on is completely fine.
  • It can also mean: 'I don't want to talk to you about sport' – not: 'I don't want to talk to you at all'.

Stay connected without being pushy

  1. 1

    Today: keep the door open, let them choose the topic

    Some teenagers prefer talking on a walk, others via text, or with another trusted adult. Don't pump them for information about teammates. A simple "Fancy eating together later?" maintains connection without feeling like a sporting interrogation.

  2. 2

    At the next calm moment: agree on ground rules for talking

    “When you talk to me about handball: what would you like me to do differently? Ask fewer questions, give no tips, or not repeat things to others?” Accept a specific request. If you genuinely have to share something, explain why beforehand.

  3. 3

    If worried: address what you notice directly

    "You've cancelled on friends lately and you seem down. How are things going?" It's not about forcing them to talk, but about taking their struggles seriously. If you're concerned about safety, get help, even if your child isn't ready to open up yet.

For Parents2 min readTalking when you get little backHow to keep a conversation open, accept a "no", and still stay firm when there are genuine concerns.Read article

What's more likely to be unhelpful

  • "Come on, say something!"
  • Question chains: "How was it? Did you play? What did the coach say?"
  • Taking silence personally and responding by withdrawing yourself
  • Obtaining information indirectly (other parents, teammates) and confronting them with it

What you can say

"You don't have to talk. I'm still here."

"Let me know if you want to talk – even at 10 pm."

"Do you want peace and quiet or company?"

"I won't ask about the game. Just: What do you need right now?"

More phrases

An example from everyday handball

To “How was training?”, you just get “Fine”. Yet you still have the feeling something isn't right.

“Okay, you don’t have to talk right now. I’ve noticed you haven’t enjoyed going for a while. I’d like to understand if you need any support. We can chat later instead.”

What your child can take ownership of themselves

Your teenager gets to decide who they confide in. Agree on what practical details are needed – like pick-up times – and what stays private. Them opening up to someone outside the family doesn't mean your relationship has failed.

Working alongside the coaching staff and club

Without evidence of a concrete issue, going behind their back to call the coach isn't the first step. If there are signs of bullying or inappropriate behaviour, agree on a safe contact person with your child; don't promise absolute secrecy if safety is at stake.

Preparing for a chat with the coach

Your next step – take your time to assess

Look closer when…
  • Withdrawal from friends and things that used to bring joy
  • Withdrawing for weeks alongside irritability or changes in appetite
  • Your child seems not just quiet, but absent or indifferent.
When to get professional help?
  • If withdrawal persists, worsens, or spreads to other areas of life
  • If you feel your child is carrying something they can't tell you – a trusted teacher, counselling centre, child and adolescent psychotherapy
Ways to get support

"So, how was it?" is possibly the worst opening question in the world – and we all ask it.

Fittingly

After the game: The first hourJourney home until arrival

Similar situations

My child gets angry after gamesI don't know what to say after the game

Recommended reading

For Parents2 min readWhat's going on in your child's head right nowOn the court, your child takes on responsibility; at home, they snap at a simple question. That can be baffling. It doesn’t mean a lack of maturity, nor does it point to a single biological cause. Ask about the specific situation instead of writing off the behaviour as “just puberty”.Read article For Parents2 min readWhen should you seek professional help?You don't need to spot a diagnosis before seeking advice. What matters are noticeable changes, how much your child is struggling, and their safety. One disappointing evening is very different from everyday life becoming steadily harder. A fixed waiting period is no safeguard.Read article

These classifications are possibilities, not diagnoses. You know your child better than any text. If you are unsure, a professional assessment is always better than waiting.

Are you really struggling right now? Find help here